Top Ten Reasons I Can't Sleep

Those of you who have been reading me regularly know that I'd be the last person to jump onto a hot trend. Which is why you won't be surprised to see me do something different -- an end-of-year top 10 list.

But top 10 what? Well, obviously it will be the top 10 posts to this blog over the past year. So, in no particular order, the top post in each category:

Funniest post: Hands down, this would have to be my April Fools post. It's hard to believe the number of folks who actually believed my story about the illegal aliens coming from a town called Mars in Mexico. The government couldn't stop them! They were taking over the local economy! Eventually, they all died off when we gave them AIDS. What a riot!

Most controversial post: So many to choose from. But in the end I had to choose my insightful comparison in February of CU Professor Ward Churchill to Nazi Joseph Goebbels.

Most popular post: One word: Kittens.

Most flames: Oh, boy! I guess I knew I was going to get some people mad, but I never expected it to be so big. I'm talking, of course, about my comparison of George W. Bush and Jesus Christ for my Easter/Passover rant. It's a good thing I left out the stuff about Osama! [I live for this stuff!]

Wish I didn't write it: No contest. My foot went into my mouth and all the way down my throat when I praised Michael Brown and FEMA in July, just days before Hurricase Katrina hit.

Most quoted: I hate to admit it, but this catgeory was an easy pick with my expose last September of the rumor that Dick Cheney had received a secret heart transplant from a pig. This made it onto Jon Stewart, into Michael Moore's latest movie, and was also found in some "unauthorized" early re-election campaign material supporting Democrat Al Green of Texas. There was also that "ripped from the headlines" take-off on Commander in Chief in November. Hint: I made it up. It was just a joke. No pig heart. Really. So, please get the secret service off my lawn. (However, they did use pig cartilege to repair his knees after his aneurism surgery.)

Best prediction: Hard to believe, but back in June I predicted that Lance would go on to win his seventh tour. You were all sceptics, but I get the last laugh on this one.

Award winning: Got a streak going here. This is the fourth year in which I wangled the "Put Me Right To Sleep" award from Dozer, announced on his or her blog, last February. Appropriately, it my analysis on the history and significance of the Groundhog Day tradition that did it this year.

Stupidest post: How about if I claim I meant it in an ironic fashion? Tough choice, but in the end I had to pick my American Idol choices announced last May.

Kept me awake the longest: Amusingly, I spent more time lying awake trying to decide on the top 10 posts for this very essay. Go figure.

That's it, and I hope to have an even better list next year. Have a sleepless 2006!

Jesus Loves the Little Children (and tells them what to watch)

I see Comcast has announced that they are offering a so-called family-friendly tier of channels. It seems that a few religionists have been complaining about all the Saddam and Gonorrhea depicted on the low-life scum channels. So, what is the response? Uh, can you spell "pander"? Scrounge up as many kids channels as you can, throw in some innocuous nature and self-help channels, and, while nobody is looking, how about tossing in the Jesus Channel (TBN). Get 'em while they're young, I always heard.

Not subtle enough? Let's see, somebody is complaining and playing the "morals" card. They are threatening to call in their favorite politician-on-a-stick and pass a law or something equally vile. So, morality apparently is the same as evangelical Christianity. Put Jesus in the package and the whole problem disappears. (See, there really is something to the claim that He could perform miracles!)

Well, I can tell you that this new offering is not friendly to my family. If it doesn't include the Sopranos, we're just not subscribing. We real families just have to stick together.

What Would JC Watch? I know for a fact it would include all the great fishing content on OLN.

Media Elite Attacks Again!

I have once again been the victim of an attack by the media elite. This time is comes from none other than Jay Bookman of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. And what was Mr. Bookman's vile weapon of choice? Pop culture. Yuck!!

Kevin Federline is the husband of Britney Spears ... they recently had a baby ... Britney and Kevin had a major spat ... later she took him back ... oh the humiliation!

It seems that now I have no choice but to know who Kevin Federline is. It's not like I never heard the name (probably). But, until now, it never sunk in and connected with that other BS name. Now it has, and I have nobody to blame but the media for exposing me to this pop culture pseudo-factoid. (Better them blamed than me.)

Oh, he's very clever, that Jay. He accomplishes this deed by complaining that he has been attacked by the Federline bug himself. But I know. This is another example of the liberal media blaming someone else for their own character faults.

Jay Bookman, I demand that you take it back. Now! Make me forget!