Welcome to Pharma Springs

Hi, my name is Mike, your guide here at Pharma Springs, and I'd like to point out some of the highlights of our resort. I know that you came here because of what you heard about our healing waters. I'm pleased to tell you today that our waters match those from the finest urban water treatment plants.

First up, if you have any low-level pains, take a dip in the relieving waters of our Ibuprofen Inlet. If the thought of unknown levels of multitudinous drugs in your tap water gives you a big headache, you'll find that a dip here will cure more pains in the neck that even a big drink from the tap in the City of Brotherly Love.

Worried about that infectious-looking fella who jumped in just before you? No worries. A follow-up cleanse at Antibiotic Bay will cure what ails you even before you know it hit you. And, as a bonus, you get a free souvenir basket filled with mutant, resistant bacteria. I guarantee you, you won't get such a gift on your next trip to Tucson.

Too much stress on the old ticker? The old angina doesn't stand a chance once you jump into the Nitrate Natatorium. Plus, our drugs are premetabolized, to give your own body a break in having to deal with them in the "raw" form. You'll remember how good you felt on your last trip to Jersey.

In the mood to experiment with your gender identity? In a nod to our friends in San Francisco, we present Hormone Harbor. Pick your side -- Estrogen Estuary or Testosterone Tide Pool. If fish that swim downstream of our cities can change gender, so can you!

Or maybe you just want to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame (or perhaps testify at a Senate hearing). If you do, go no further than Steroid Stream. No trip to Nebraska to drink the water downstream from a feedlot will be necessary. We can't guarantee a trip to the Olympics, but (wink) our treatments don't require any injections into the buttocks!

Is all of this making you freak out a bit? Jump right into Level-Headed Lake, where the anti-anxiety drugs (better than Southern Cal) will even out the highs and lows caused by excessive dips in our other pools.

Pick the pool of your choice. We promise that you will come out healthier than when you went in, and that we will cure diseases you didn't even know you had (or that you didn't have before coming here).

We are pleased that you chose Pharma Springs for your healing visit. We know you have a choice of any major metropolitan water supply to meet your unintended pharmaceutical needs, and are proud that our water contains ALL of the waste drugs that you could possibly want.