Actors in the New Security Theater

According to one rumor, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig originally recommended the recent changes in airport screening processes. Perhaps now he won't have to go to the airport men's room to satisfy his alleged needs.

Craig's self-reported "wide stance" may prove useful in the new full-body scanners. However, he might opt out in favor of the enhanced pat-down, maybe even requesting that it be performed in a private room.

I can't fully report in this family publication, but many refer online to the scanners based on their ability to determine the size of parts of the anatomy commonly shielded from view, and to the pat-downs using the name of a location on a baseball diamond.

The resistance to the new procedures is widespread among some travelers. No wonder: you stand with your legs spread wide, and someone runs his or her hand up your leg until "meeting resistance."

Many others are stoically accepting the changes.

But is there a third group, people who actually enjoy the sanctioned public exhibitionism and groping?


[more]

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

It's tempting to dismiss today's Tea Party rants. When you hear statements like, "I don't want socialized medicine. And don't touch my Medicare," "I want my country back," and, "Nazis are preparing Obama's health-care reform," you could get as confused and disgusted as Alice at her wondrous tea party and walk away in a huff.

But the Mad Hatter had an excuse for his perpetual tea party -- it was always six o'clock, traditional high tea time. Similarly, for today's tea partiers it's always "morning in America," traditional Reaganesque rhetoric.

In Lewis Carroll's classic story, the Mad Hatter was sentenced to a perennial tea party because he murdered Time. Today's Mad Hater, Glenn Beck, murdered Truth. (The Hatter's top hat was inexplicably labeled "In this style 10/6," and, due perhaps to inflation, Beck's is labeled "In this scare 9/12." )

The Red Queen threatened to off the Hatter's head because of his murderous actions. And Blue State Liberals threaten to off the Mad Hater`s advertisers because of his racist comments.

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Immigration Woes (Gringo Ir a Casa)

Immigration reform has been in the news lately. On my recent Mexican vacation, I saw the seriousness of the problem from the other side of the border fence.

Tens of millions of folks from north of the border are crossing into Mexico every year. A million Americans are living there, more than half illegally.

Many Americans move to Mexico because of its high quality, inexpensive health care system. Drugs are widely available and inexpensive. Drug dealers, called "farmacias," are on every street corner, anxious to sell the addict anything she thinks she needs.

[more]

(I Can't Gitmo) Satisfaction

Fortunately for our nation's interrogators, Gitmo is in no-man's land. If it were in the United States, there would the pesky problem of our Constitution and laws. If it were in some other country, the problem would be that country's rules.

When the U.S. government built the prison at Guantanamo Bay, they cleverly put it in part of Cuba that's not part of Cuba. President Teddy Roosevelt won it in 1903 from the first president of Cuba in a card game in which he wagered $24 in cigars.

[more]

A New Career in a New Town

Can't get enough of my writing? As of today, I have a new gig here in Boulder. Look for my community opinion columns in the Camera to appear about twice a month. Here's a link to my first column.

The Good Deal -- A Parable

Your Flag Lapel Pin Won't Keep You in Office Anymore

While digesting Congressional Digest
In the airport bathroom stall,
With a tap a flag with a pin on the back
was kicked under the wall.
I peeled that flag up off the floor
And stuck on my lapel,
And if I could have old Betsy Ross
I'd tell 'em all to go to Hell!

But your flag lapel pin won't keep you in office anymore.
They're already overcrowded with liars, cheats and whores.
Now Jesus don't like hypocrisy, no matter what the reasons for,
And your flag lapel pin won't keep you in office any more.

I popped in the Senate this morning
And the lobbyist said to me:
Said, if you vote for my silly bridge
I'll give you ten of them flags for free (plus a boat).
Well, I didn't hestitate a bit,
I took him up on what he said.
And I stuck those flags all over my suit
And one on my wife's forehead.

But your flag lapel pin won't keep you in office anymore.
They're already overflowing with lyin', cheatin' whores.
Now Jesus don't like thievin', no matter what the reasons for,
And your flag lapel pin won't keep you in office any more.

Well, I got my suit lapel so filled
With flags I could not breathe.
So when I wiped my nose upon my shirt
I poked my eye out with my sleeve.
By the time they calmed the doctor down
I was already dead.
And I'll never understand why the man
Standin' at the Pearly Gate said:

That your flag lapel pin won't get you in heaven anymore.
We're already overcrowded from your 100-year-long war.
Now Jesus don't like killin', no matter what the reasons for.
And your flag lapel pin won't get you in heaven any more.

And your flag lapel pin won't keep you in office any more.

Any your flag lapel pin won't get out of China
Any
More

Welcome to Pharma Springs

Hi, my name is Mike, your guide here at Pharma Springs, and I'd like to point out some of the highlights of our resort. I know that you came here because of what you heard about our healing waters. I'm pleased to tell you today that our waters match those from the finest urban water treatment plants.

First up, if you have any low-level pains, take a dip in the relieving waters of our Ibuprofen Inlet. If the thought of unknown levels of multitudinous drugs in your tap water gives you a big headache, you'll find that a dip here will cure more pains in the neck that even a big drink from the tap in the City of Brotherly Love.

Worried about that infectious-looking fella who jumped in just before you? No worries. A follow-up cleanse at Antibiotic Bay will cure what ails you even before you know it hit you. And, as a bonus, you get a free souvenir basket filled with mutant, resistant bacteria. I guarantee you, you won't get such a gift on your next trip to Tucson.

Too much stress on the old ticker? The old angina doesn't stand a chance once you jump into the Nitrate Natatorium. Plus, our drugs are premetabolized, to give your own body a break in having to deal with them in the "raw" form. You'll remember how good you felt on your last trip to Jersey.

In the mood to experiment with your gender identity? In a nod to our friends in San Francisco, we present Hormone Harbor. Pick your side -- Estrogen Estuary or Testosterone Tide Pool. If fish that swim downstream of our cities can change gender, so can you!

Or maybe you just want to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame (or perhaps testify at a Senate hearing). If you do, go no further than Steroid Stream. No trip to Nebraska to drink the water downstream from a feedlot will be necessary. We can't guarantee a trip to the Olympics, but (wink) our treatments don't require any injections into the buttocks!

Is all of this making you freak out a bit? Jump right into Level-Headed Lake, where the anti-anxiety drugs (better than Southern Cal) will even out the highs and lows caused by excessive dips in our other pools.

Pick the pool of your choice. We promise that you will come out healthier than when you went in, and that we will cure diseases you didn't even know you had (or that you didn't have before coming here).

We are pleased that you chose Pharma Springs for your healing visit. We know you have a choice of any major metropolitan water supply to meet your unintended pharmaceutical needs, and are proud that our water contains ALL of the waste drugs that you could possibly want.

If It's War the Politically Correct Want ...

There's recently been a huge controversy on campus -- specifically at the Campus Press. Until last week, I assumed that the folks at CU really were culturally sensitive. But then it hit me. They hate our Constitution, and hence are truly insensitive to the root of our culture.

Really, this is hitting very close to home. Max Karson, a CU student and staff editor at the Campus rag, ignited this conflagration with his article. But soon the campus, the city, even the nation erupted with calls for his head. The charge? Bad satire that some people found offensive. If bad satire that is not PC is a crime, then all my loyal reader are going to have to come find my latest rants in jail.

I read over Max's piece. And what did he say that was so offensive? Well, he suggested that all white people are drunk, racist, narcissistic, stupid, sadistic, domineering, redneck cultural slaves. And that Asians aren't.

So, now everybody is upset, not that he made fun of us white Americans, but that he didn't equally make fun of the non-white folks. This is no longer land of the free, home of the brave. It is land of the meek, home of the slave. The spirit of the First Amendment has been sacrificed at the altar of cultural sensitivity.

And just think of it. You can see the same types of comments every night at the comedy club or on prime time TV. Where would Sarah Silverman, Stephen Colbert, Larry David, and Steve Carell be without this type of tool in their box? And if a college kid can't learn to do this at the campus newspaper, how are we gonna teach the next generation of Sarah Silvermen?

Remember, the greatest satirists of all time, like Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain, are considered so today largely because the targets of their wrath no longer exist, and hence they are no longer offensive.

So, please, if you can't stand the heat become a Danish-Muslim comic aficionado, and leave the rest of us to examine our own foibles in our own embarrassing way.

Warning: Every one of these clips is highly offensive.

Sarah Silverman:


Stephen Colbert:


Larry David:


Steve Carell:


South Park:


Mark Twain:


Jonathan Swift:

End of the Family Programming Hour

Apparently, David Chase filmed several versions of the final episode of The Sopranos, so that nobody would find out early how it ended. Well, I wrote up several responses before I actually watched the episode, but I at least am willing to share them with my loyal readers.

1. You know, I always suspected that Uncle Junior was faking. But, when he retrieved his hidden stash and used it consolidate his power and to make good on his earlier failed attempt at killing Tony, I thought that was brilliant. What better place to run the crime family than from the state mental hospital. And who knew that Janice had it in her to help plot such a thing -- getting Phil Leotardo to kill her own husband. And then, using that murder as the incentive to get Tony and Phil together to shoot each other, well she proved her brilliance and earned her new number two spot under Uncle June.

2. I always thought Tony's relationship was a bit close with FBI Agent Dwight Harris. But I never guessed that Tony was an FBI agent all along. And when he finally came out and arrested all of the (surviving) members of his gang, it was perfect. They were all in such shock, nobody could do a thing in response. Seeing Tony put the cuffs on Paulie, well that was priceless; I thought he had it coming for at least two seasons.

3. What a cop out! Phil Leotardo, with a gun pointed at Tony, then a fade to black. Then a woozy return to consciousness, and we see Tony lying on the ground next to his pool, with a flock of ducks flying by. Yes, it turns out that all six seasons and 86 episodes were a dream that Tony experienced while he was blacked out. One can only hope that his imagined sessions with Dr. Melfi would have some impact on Tony's real life. But of course, in real life it turns out that Tony is not a gangster, but merely a salesman. And I suppose that his dream is merely the fantasy that we all share that our boring lives would become HBO-worthy.

4. I knew she was manipulative. But it came as a big surprise to me to find out that Dr. Melfi was actually the driving force behind most of Tony's big actions. Using the power of subliminal suggestion she was able to drive him to her goals so easily. She must have been watching The Manchurian Candidate. But seeing her gunned down by the FBI, well, that was pretty hard to swallow. I would have thought she'd be smart enough to find the listening device in her office -- under her own chair!

Oh, well, maybe I didn't quite get it right in any of my predictions, but who did any better? I invite any of you to submit your fantasy series ending in a comment to this post.

Gitmo For Life

Here are some fresh pictures from the prison that just keeps on giving:

The noble terrorist hunt:


There'll be none of this:


Every prisoner has access to his lawyer:


Victim of the shoe bomber (as confessed by Gitmo prisoner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed):


The prisoners are happy:


Professional, friendly prison guards:


Fun stress positions:


Humane interrogation methods:


Cultural sensitivity:

Intergalactic Waste Services

The story of Kim Nowak, the astronaut supposedly caught in a Bizarre Love Triangle, normally would have been the sort of thing I would ignore. I've gloated about ignoring lesser stories in the past.

However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to remember the classic Donovan song. I hadn't heard it in many years, but I thought I needed to share it with my loyal reader(s) who may not be familiar or who may have forgotten.

Here it is. If this link doesn't work let me know.

<div><a target=_blank title="download Donovan - Intergalactic Laxative.Mp3" href=="http://minorcrisis.net/users/imanapples/4683/">Donovan - Intergalactic Laxative.Mp3</a></div>

Hosted by minorcrisis.net

The Intergalactic Laxative
Words & Music by: Donovan Leitch - 1973
Performed by: Donovan
Album: Cosmic Wheels - 1973

I was impressed like everyone
When man began to fly
Out of earthly regions
To planets in the sky.
With total media coverage
We watched the heroes land,
As ceremoniously
They disturbed the cosmic sand.

In awe with admiration,
We listened to the talk.
Such pride felt they,
Such joy to be
Upon the moon to walk.
My romantic vision shattered
When it was explained to me,
Spacemen wear old diapers
In which they shit and pee.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

They don't partake like you and I
Of beefy burger mush.
Their food is specially prepared
To dissolve into slush.
Absorbed by multi-fibers
In the super diaper suit,
Otherwise the slush would trickle
Down inside the boot.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

You may well ask now what becomes
Of liquid they consume.
A pipe is led from penis head
To a unit in the room.
The water is recirculated,
Filtered for re-use.
In case of anti-gravity -
Pee gets on the loose.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

Wherever man has conquered
On the quest for frontiers new,
(Da da da da)
I'm glad that he's always had to do
The number one and two.
It makes it all so ordinary,
Just like you and me,
To know the greatest heroes,
They had to shit and pee.

The intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there,
For cosmic constipation
There's none that can compare.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative,
The intergalactic laxative,
The intergalactic laxative,
Will get you from here to Mars.

It's the Babies, Stupid

Alright, alright, I admit it. I don't know what I'm talking about. But that doesn't make my argument any less valid.

It boils down to this: There is a law in Oklahoma that deals with gays, adoption, and couples. For that very reason alone it must be a bad law, and the court in Denver needs to do the right thing and toss it out.

And if you're gay or thinking about becoming gay and if you are adopted or thinking about being adopted, you may want to consider whether Oklahoma is the best place to plan your summer vacation.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Mark Twain

The Babies Go Marching Two By Two

Ok, so "apparently" I still didn't get it right. I've been told that the state of Oklahoma didn't ban adoption of gay babies and they didn't ban the adoption of same-sex babies.

The Okies have mastered the art of subtle nuance. The actual law is a prohibition on same-sex couple adoption.

I can't believe that anybody would object to adopting two brothers or two sisters. I'm sure I saw it on TV. The real crime is breaking up families. And, what -- if they are a brother and a sister you can adopt them, but just because they happen, purely through genetics, to be the same gender, they can't both be adopted by the same parents.

Well, here's the real crime. Lawmakers in Oklahoma, claiming to be family friendly, are actually breaking up families. How can they sleep at night? If the 10th U.S. Circuit Court doesn't find that this law is unconstitutional, then those judges never had a brother!

Correction: Baby Semantics

Ok, I've been "told" that I was wrong, that Oklahoma has not banned the adoption of gay babies. Rather, they have banned same-sex adoption.

Seems like semantics to me. And in any case, my arguments are still relevant. Why does the government of Oklahoma think they have to right to prevent you from adopting a same-sex baby?

Is there anything all that bad if a man adopts a baby boy or a woman adopts a baby girl? It may not be for everybody, but all of the research shows that children with a same-sex parent grow up just as well-adjusted as children with an opposite-sex parent.

So, my point stands. Same-sex adoption should not be illegal in Oklahoma and same-sex children adopted in other states should not be taken away when the same-sex parent takes the child to Oklahoma.

It's a scandal. It's an outrage.
It's a problem we must solve.
We gotta start a revolution!

All right, boys. Revolve!

What About the Babies?

The 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver is hearing a case related to gay adoption. It seems that there is/was a law in Oklahoma banning gay adoption, and a federal judge there declared the law unconstitutional.

What I want to know: If the law is upheld, who will take care of all those gay babies in Oklahoma? Don't gay babies have the same rights to have parents that straight babies have?

In fact, the Oklahoma law takes the anti-gay adoption idea to the next step. They don't just ban the adoption of gay babies in that state. If a couple adopts a gay baby in another state and then visits Oklahoma, that adoption will not be recognized, and the gay baby will be taken from the ex-parents. Although it has not been reported, I assume that the baby will then be sent to the official gay orphanage in Oklahoma City.

If you've adopted a gay baby, I urge you to stay out of the Sooner State, or you could be childless sooner than you think!

Remember, there may be a debate over whether homosexuality is a choice that gay babies have made or if they were born that way. But still, can't all agree that they deserve parents too?

No Virgins for You!

Some Islamic extremists are motivated to perform extreme acts in the hope of becoming martyrs. It has been widely reported that their religion promises 72 virgins in heaven if they die as martyrs.

However, there is one aspect of this that is not so widely known. It is true that dying in the service of Allah will earn you those 72 virgins. However, what they don't tell you is that you will have to share those 72 virgins with all of the other martyrs. Believe me, there have been a lot of martyrs in the past 1400 years.

Oh, and those virgins are getting just a bit shop worn, if you know what I mean.

We the Politicians

He's Got Your Number

Tomorrow is 6-6-06. To most of us, this doesn't mean much. However, I'm betting that tonight will be Stephen Colbert's last show. You know, the number of the beast, the rapture and all that. Us heathen folk will be left behind with nothing to watch but Jon Stewart. I wonder who's going to fill that time slot.

Miss Spelt Asks: To Bee or Not To Bee

Local seventh grader Maithreyi Gopalakrishnan, who lives in Superior and won the regional spelling championships a few months back, is moving on to the national level this week, for the third year in a row.

I don't know about you, but I happen to think that anybody with a name like Maithreyi Gopalakrishnan has an unfair advantage in any spelling bee. Just learning to spell her own name has forced her to tap the full powers of the spelling section of her brain (called the cerespellum). Plus, she lives in Superior, whose residents are inherently better at everything.

Maithreyi won the regional round on the word "natatorium", so I expect the next round to go swimmingly.

However, a word of caution for this local word whiz. If the English-only folks get their way (see my earlier post), our monolingual children will be protected from the unfair advantage that Maithreyi (who was born in India) receives from being multi-lingual. She will be forced by spelling bee rules to forget all foreign words. In fact all words of foreign origin will be eliminated from the competition.

From now on, these kids will have to learn only good American words, like "iPod", "Kleenex", and "Pepsi".

Good luck in Washington Maithreyi, and remember to get a good night's sleep before the competition!