Lance for President

Tony Kornheiser rants against cyclists on his ESPN radio show. That includes "jokingly" suggesting that drivers hit cyclists with their cars.

Lance and his fans get wind and and start a viral campaign against Kornheiser.

Kornheiser grovels to Lance and invites Lance on his show to apologize. Tony promises no more rants and even agrees to ride a bike for the first time since childhood.

Lance goes on the air to a market of bike haters, and gets their biggest rabble-rouser to denounce his former ways to his fans.

I'm convinced Lance could bring about peace in the Middle East. He might even be able to bring Republicans and Democrats together on health care, but that's probably beyond even his powers.

How Soon they Forget

Lance Armstrong had surgery today to repair the clavicle he broke while racing two days ago. Said Lance, "It's the biggest setback I've ever had in my cycling career." This from the man who quit the sport when cancer almost killed him.

Also on Monday, infamous Boulderite Ward Churchill took the stand in defense of his $94,000 per year teaching job at CU, saying, "When you bring your skills to bear for profit, you are the moral equivalent of Adolf Eichmann." You nailed it (and yourself) Ward.

Riding Back from the Sunset

Plenty of us are pretty excited about the Tour of California starting tomorrow. The big excitement, of course, is about Lance. But there appear to be so many other stories that Lance, while the center of media attention, may not be the biggest one.

He did look good in the Tour Down Under. But he is off a two and half year retirement. And I don't think this is exactly the type of race that suits his strengths. While I expect Lance to finish in the top five, I'll bet his real value is going to be in supporting his new teammate Levi, who won this race for the past two years. Can Levi make it three in a row? I'm not betting against him. However, if he has a really bad day (which he has been known for in the past), expect Lance to step right up and expect Levi to pull for him.

Floyd's back. Tyler's back. Ivan's back. All after serving doping suspensions. All of them are super athletes, but I don't expect any of them to stun us this soon after returning.

Who's going to win stages? Cavendish. Two or three of them. Take that to the bank. (In this economy, it won't be worth much, though.) Boonen will be mad, and I'll bet that will be worth a stage. Fabian is my big favorite for the prologue tomorrow. And I'll go ahead and pick Lance for the time trial, just because that will be his biggest chance to shine. Other than that, several stages look like great opportunities for successful attacks by someone you never heard of.

It will be fun!

Gore Tricks

Perhaps celebrating a bit early on the 4th, VP Al Gore's son, Al III, was pulled over for speeding in his Prius at 100 MPH on the San Diego Freeway, and arrested for possession of marijuana and several prescription drugs for which he didn't have a prescription.

So here's what I want to know: A Prius can go 100 MPH? Even when the driver is slowed down by Xanax, Valium, Vicodin, Adderall, and marijuana? What kind of fireworks was he using as a supplemental fuel source?

Can I get some of that for my bicycle?

Is It True They Eat Their Own Young?

Anyone who has lived in Boulder for a while knows about Jon Caldara and the Independence Institute. Jon had a column for a while in the Daily Camera in which he enraged local liberals with his very conservative views. Jon is president of the Independence Institute, a local "non-partisan" think tank that promotes a libertarian view point.

That's why I was shocked to read a study published by the Independence Institute highly critical of Bill O'Reilly and his coverage of the Boulder High School/Conference on World Affairs controversy. I found the study after following a link in a comment to my earlier post on this topic (yes, I read the comments).

There is also a podcast of Caldara discussing the study with its author, Dave Kopel. It was fascinating to hear Caldara struggle to make sure we all knew he was true to his conservative base, that he still thinks Boulderites are clueless, while attacking one of his own for Michael-Moore-like tactics.

Of course, never mind that Jon Caldara uses one of Michael Moore's worst tactics: creating a caricature of some of the people you disagree with, and then attacking all people who disagree with you based on that caricature.

In any case, I thought Dave Kopel did a good and fair job in his analysis, and was much better at leaving his own opinions out of it (or at least presenting the other side along with his opinion).

Some of the highlights of the report:

• O'Reilly lied when he said that all Boulder High students were required to attend the panel discussion.
• O'Reilly lied when he said the same people have been invited back next year.
• O'Reilly's crew committed a felony home invasion as part of their investigation, and then broadcast that crime on television.
• O'Reilly is being hypocritical, in that in his own book he advises middle school and high school students, "I’m not going to tell you to avoid sex, because in the end you’re going to do what you want anyway. ... Sex is best when you combine sensible behavior with sincere affection.”
• O'Reilly took quotes out of context to completely change the meaning of what some speakers said.
  • For example, he used one quote to show that a panelist was telling kids to not use condoms, when in fact the speaker was telling the kids just the opposite.
  • Same thing with 12-year-olds having sex: The speaker in fact said there was never any good reason for 12-year-olds to have sex, while O'Reilly's quotes out of context imply otherwise.
  • Same thing when O'Reilly claimed that the speaker was promoting homosexual experimentation.
  • A panelist's warnings about drug use were presented as promoting drug use.

If you think you know what happened at the panel and you are outraged, I suggest you read this report, rather than blindly following the outrage-on-demand factory that is Bill O'Reilly.

Only In Boulder

Well, it's happened again. The Denver and national media is focused on Boulder, and what nut cases we are. People in my office are accosting me with facts about how outrageous we are. And that just makes the people of this town, well, to be honest, it makes us feel morally superior.

I can't begin to list the number of times it has happened over the years. Mostly the Denver shock jocks. This time it started with the KOA Denver radio host, Dan Caplis, but then even Bill O'Reilly got into the picture.

Yes, Mr. O'Reilly is up in arms about Boulder -- specifically Boulder High and the local school board. It seems that the Conference on World Affairs held a panel at Boulder High and invited the students, which they do every year. In fact, they held four panels, three of which generated no controversy: "Latin America: Political Forecast," "Marijuana Policies," and "Borat - Humorous or Hurtful."

But the fourth panel was titled "STDs: Sex, Teens and Drugs," and included a frank discussion of safe sex and drug use. One student complained to his parents, who complained to the school board. The school board initially apologized, and then back pedaled, saying the only error was that some students were required to attend the panel.

Now most Boulder residents don't know who Dan Caplis is, since he doesn't host the World Music hour on KGNU (the local left-of-Ward-Churchill public radio station). And they have only a vague idea that O'Reilly is a slim version of Rush Limbaugh, or perhaps just some weird half man/half bear that Stephen Colbert idolizes.

But now these media celebrities, who don't live in Boulder and who don't have kids at Boulder High, are pronouncing that students were forced to go to a seminar where they were encouraged to have wanton unprotected sex and use illegal drugs. Not the only lie foisted on the listeners and viewers eager for the next outrage. For example, O'Reilly stated that the school has invited the same folks back next year. While Boulder High will continue to host CWA events in future years, the same panel and the same speakers are not on the schedule (which of course doesn't even exist yet).

And now the principal, the superintendent, and the school board president are cowards because they refuse to talk to the O'Reilly and Caplis media machines and their loony followers who are harassing them non-stop.

There was a letter in today's Camera that made me laugh. Jack Strichman, upset about the panel, questioned whether the school district would be the subject of lawsuits when an attendee of the panel died of AIDS or an overdose of drugs. Amusing, when the panelists were encouraging responsible behavior, while Mr. Strichman clearly believes that children should not be taught responsible behavior. If his child were to suffer such a fate, I might not hold him directly to blame, but I would say that he could have done a better job for preparing that child for the realities of life.

The critics of this panel are quick to say that our children should be protected from such talk. In fact, the students we are talking about are not children, they are high school students, almost adults. If you as a parent have not instilled your moral beliefs in your children by that age, I would say that you have failed. If you can't trust your child in a discussion of beliefs that are different than yours, then you have lost your child. High school students are exposed very day to ideas just as "radical", on TV, on the Internet, from their friends, at the mall, etc.

So, Bill O'Reilly and friends, please keep it up. We Boulderites are all into feeling good about ourselves, and disapproval from you only helps!

Intergalactic Waste Services

The story of Kim Nowak, the astronaut supposedly caught in a Bizarre Love Triangle, normally would have been the sort of thing I would ignore. I've gloated about ignoring lesser stories in the past.

However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to remember the classic Donovan song. I hadn't heard it in many years, but I thought I needed to share it with my loyal reader(s) who may not be familiar or who may have forgotten.

Here it is. If this link doesn't work let me know.

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The Intergalactic Laxative
Words & Music by: Donovan Leitch - 1973
Performed by: Donovan
Album: Cosmic Wheels - 1973

I was impressed like everyone
When man began to fly
Out of earthly regions
To planets in the sky.
With total media coverage
We watched the heroes land,
As ceremoniously
They disturbed the cosmic sand.

In awe with admiration,
We listened to the talk.
Such pride felt they,
Such joy to be
Upon the moon to walk.
My romantic vision shattered
When it was explained to me,
Spacemen wear old diapers
In which they shit and pee.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

They don't partake like you and I
Of beefy burger mush.
Their food is specially prepared
To dissolve into slush.
Absorbed by multi-fibers
In the super diaper suit,
Otherwise the slush would trickle
Down inside the boot.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

You may well ask now what becomes
Of liquid they consume.
A pipe is led from penis head
To a unit in the room.
The water is recirculated,
Filtered for re-use.
In case of anti-gravity -
Pee gets on the loose.

Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and, believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to Mars.

Wherever man has conquered
On the quest for frontiers new,
(Da da da da)
I'm glad that he's always had to do
The number one and two.
It makes it all so ordinary,
Just like you and me,
To know the greatest heroes,
They had to shit and pee.

The intergalactic laxative
Will get you from here to there,
For cosmic constipation
There's none that can compare.
If shitting is your problem
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh, the intergalactic laxative,
The intergalactic laxative,
The intergalactic laxative,
Will get you from here to Mars.

Crocodile Done Deal

So, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died while getting up close and personal with one of the deadliest creatures of the deep. I have to agree with Debra Saunders, this is pretty much how you expected the story to end.

Coincidentally, I heard about Irwin's demise while at an open ocean swimming event on Maui. Plenty of dangerous creatures there.

While visiting the island, I had the fortune to swim with someone who is pretty much the opposite of Steve Irwin. Bob is one of the most experienced, if not the most experienced, open water swimmers on the island. He knows the local wildlife and took me to watch sharks, sea turtles, rays (similar to the photo above), and other creatures. But his attitude is one of respect. Watch and enjoy them, but know and respect their raw power in the water, which is assuredly greater than yours.

What's the lesson? If you are dealing with wild animals, you can't treat the encounter as a contest, because there will almost certainly be a winner and a loser. And you can't be friends with them, because the concept is meaningless. Know them, know their power, and know your own strengths and weaknesses. Then enjoy the show.

Media Elite Attacks Again!

I have once again been the victim of an attack by the media elite. This time is comes from none other than Jay Bookman of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. And what was Mr. Bookman's vile weapon of choice? Pop culture. Yuck!!

Kevin Federline is the husband of Britney Spears ... they recently had a baby ... Britney and Kevin had a major spat ... later she took him back ... oh the humiliation!

It seems that now I have no choice but to know who Kevin Federline is. It's not like I never heard the name (probably). But, until now, it never sunk in and connected with that other BS name. Now it has, and I have nobody to blame but the media for exposing me to this pop culture pseudo-factoid. (Better them blamed than me.)

Oh, he's very clever, that Jay. He accomplishes this deed by complaining that he has been attacked by the Federline bug himself. But I know. This is another example of the liberal media blaming someone else for their own character faults.

Jay Bookman, I demand that you take it back. Now! Make me forget!